Thursday, November 8, 2012

Personal Post: On Lost Opportunities

I've been struggling to write this post for the past few days and while I still don't think it's perfect, here's what I've come up with:

I dearly miss my college, the friends I had there and the community, however small, that I built there. And this weekend is our Homecoming. It's my very first homecoming as an alumna, or would have been, as I won't actually get to be there for reasons that are almost entirely my own fault. And it's gotten me thinking.

I've always had this phantom feeling that I've never been entirely in charge of my own life, never really done anything for myself. I sometimes feel more like a balloon pulled along by its string in the wind than a person with agency, a brain, and two legs. I've struggled in the past with making concrete decisions, especially fairly long term and significant ones, I think because I'm afraid of missing other opportunities. Yet suddenly and somewhat ironically I find myself doing just that - unable to attend homecoming, unable to afford big purchases, unable to grab opportunities - because I'm still floating, and that wind is now gone. Call it what you want (inadequacy issues, unmotivated, directionless, etc), it's hard for me to go after what I want in life mostly because I really just have no idea what I want.

And this lead me back "home" to Nashville. The weird thing about being back in my hometown is that more than ever, I feel like a lonely, directionless tourist. My family has moved to a different state, my friends are all over the map, and since I don't have a career trajectory yet, I'm stuck wandering around streets I haven't seen (and frankly haven't wanted to see) since my childhood. I've been ready for the next phase of my life since before I graduated, yet here I still am.

What I'm trying to say is, I need a mentality shift. I may not know where exactly I want to be in 40 years, but I know I want to see my friends in May for reunion. I know I want to be able to afford my own apartment and my own groceries and maybe if I save for a long while, a Chanel bag or something. I know I want a real job. I know I want to keep creating things and improve this blog. And those are the things I need to work towards, the opportunities I need to run after. The little things along the way will take care of themselves.

This isn't a big "I'm changing my entire life TODAY AND NOW AND FOREVER" statement. This is me realizing that baby steps are in fact essential. I'm trying to accept the unknowns and savor where I am right now even if it's not where I want to be.

To cheesily end with a quote:
"If all you can do is crawl, start crawling" 

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